The truth is, is that I didn't let out enough last semester be it through writing, speaking up or through communication with others and I feel like for my own sake, I should write this semester.
To start I will say that God is not nearly as simple or as complicated as I thought. I'm not sure all the time how I feel about what I believe. I know that God who I talk to, but the one I study is confusing and sometimes I wonder if God would even want to be studied? I mean it's GOD...so my thoughts are sometimes more that God wants us to focus on the people he created and that's where we find out more about his characteristics. But overall, I'd have to say that in some weird way, I feel like I now more AND less about my faith then I did before. Confusing, yes? Painful, absolutely. Bt the moments when I feel the love of God, it is so overwhelming that the journey is worth it.
So, emotionally things change and spiritually too, but the other day I was talking to my mom and she said, "The point is that you never stop seeking, even when you're unsure." And that's pretty much how I see things right now.
On a lighter note, I went to see John Mayer last night for the second time and dang did I feel like I was at a JoBros (yes, I did just refer to them as JoBros) concert with all the screaming girls. I think they cared more about how hot he was rather than how amazing of a musician he is, which is depressing but I guess that happens when you get huge. Either way, it was pretty amazing to see what a great musician he is, especially in comparison to many other current artists.
Paul and I led some worship this morning for some students coming to visit the school and it went well. It's funny how much my heart for worship has changed. It's totally reshaping my life. I am no longer worried about perfection, but rather the genuineness of the act altogether. As much as I feel out of place at my school and as much and it would be so much easier to escape to a bible school or a school of worship, I'm beginning to see what my purpose is here, other than getting an education of course. But I think we all know that education doesn't take place in the classroom alone. In fact, I've learned a lot outside of the classroom and that's been incredible.
Anyway, here's a list of things I currently enjoy in no particular order:
Dallas Stars- thanks to Austin
Sour Watermelons- thanks to my sisters-in-law
Acoustic anyyything- be it Lady Gaga, Kari Jobe, random Dallas station that plays only acoustic
Transgenerationlization-Yes, I know only XA people will understand this, but I feel like my seminary experience has really helped me to appreciate people of ALL ages and I learn from them, they learn from us kids.
Reading- I thoroughly enjoy reading and I haven't felt that since I was younger. I genuinely enjoy a lot of our assigned stuff and I go to the bookstore for hours and read when I don't have an assigned reading to do.
Super Mario Bros.- This is by far one of the most fun things I do with my cousin, husband and Chris. It's taught us team work to say the least.
Making mix CD's- Cheesy, I know, but I stinkin love making CD's for people.
Yogurt-It's the newest craze in Dallas and lots of other posh places so now I crave it constantly.
Leading Worship- Although I'm not leading as often, it has been an incredibly journey leading worship here. I feel freer and more focused than I ever have before in this role, which is probably why, I feel God leading me more now to this rather than pulpit ministry.
My Husband- What can I say? He's the best...he's the absolute best for ME.
Things I don't particularly enjoy:
Driving in Dallas- people either WAY too slow or attempt to run you over.
Being away from family and friends- If there's one thing I realized, it's that I had the coolest group of people to be with, both at XA, with the band, and my precious family. I'm beyond grateful that my cousins are here and that God's put people in my life here but my group is significantly smaller. I miss my beautiful best friends and even though we text, Skype and talk on the phone, I can't help but miss them.
Being overwhelmed- Here is a lesson I'm still in the process of learning. I have taken school SO seriously that its strained my other relationships, including my relationship with God and my husband. I'm getting to the point where I have to get my priorities straight, otherwise I'll end up broken and sad.
Well, that's just a little synopsis of what is going on with me. Even if no one reads this, I'm glad to be writing again and writing where I'm at.
It's not pretty, but it's real.